Is It Okay To Still Be Angry?

     So back on Valentine's Day this year, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating. Full disclosure, it wasn't like he was actually having sex with other people, but he was entertaining them. It broke my heart and it still does, but I stayed with him. I know to some people that might sound naive, but I'm choosing to love, despite the pain. I want to say I forgive him, and I think I do, but it's still hard. I'm still very angry at times. It isn't something I'm inclined to admit, but I've snapped on more than one occasion trying to get over the whole thing.
     But now I really am scared. I have a plan.
     Four months later (to this exact day), I've decided to ask him to try something with me, without any guarantee that it will actually work. I've told him that I want to have a real sit- down with him, where I can ask any and all of the questions I've had, to try to get some closure. I told him that I expect to be hurt by the conversation, but that I'm under the impression that it will help me in the lon- run.
     Am I afraid to lose my temper? Yes.
     I know it might sound a bit insane, but I'm almost hoping to get my feelings hurt. Ultimately, I know that once I'm hurt, I'll know the final truth. I'll stop wondering, and I will finally be able to mend (I hope). I need to know if I really should stay or not. That's the only part he doesn't really know about yet. He's going through a lot, but my issues with the past are really not helping either of us. It's going to be hard, but it needs to be done.
   

Update: I'm about to go talk to him now apparently. Wish me luck.

Hey, It's Been A While

     I wanted to title this as how to lose a job in three days, but that seemed pretty grim. But, yes, I did lose my job. Not to worry, I do have another job, but it's still a bit of a shock to me. I mean, I feel like I wasted nearly 3 years at a company that dumped me for no valid reason. I suppose that's normal to feel that way. Anyway, it happens. I now work for a vape shop which seems more fitting. I'm happy with it, and I'm thankful to have a job, I hated sitting at home in limbo for what felt like forever.

      Anyway, in other news, I got engaged! Might not sound like the most amazing news given what all has happened in the past 2 weeks, but I'm so incredibly happy. I'm proud to be marrying someone that has been my much needed support. I don't know what I would do without him. It was so sweet when he asked me, but I'm gonna keep that story to myself.

     With life throwing so many curve balls at me, it's been so hard to stay focused on the important things. I know that I've been bitchy, for the lack of a better word. It's been hard to control my temper, now that I almost feel like I have no reason to. I can feel myself losing my grip a little when it comes to my emotions as well. It's so hard, once you break that wall, where you finally let go of so much tension, and tell people what you really think. Although I don't regret telling my boss off, it did kind of change me a little bit. I feel like I lost my filter completely.

     It hasn't been all bad, I feel like I've been needing a vacation from the mess of Starbucks. He always felt bad dropping me off at work because I was always so depressed. It was hard showing up to a job where I was not valued or appreciated by my superiors. Honestly, the last few times Niko dropped me off, I cried a little because I was so upset by it. It was rough. Since then, I have felt nowhere near as depressed, and I have felt so much more relief than anything. Even though I lost my job, I've had so much support from former partners, telling me that they are going to miss me, and that they aren't worried about me. It feels good to know that even when I don't believe in myself, others will.

      Anyway, it's taken me so long to gather one writable train of thought I won't try to get ahead of myself. Hopefully it won't stop here.

      Kat out.